blueness4coolness:

‘i always talk about how i need more things to scare me, how i’m so bored. but the truth is i’m afraid of everything. and that’s why i’m bored. i’m not doing anything that could risk everything. i’m not trying to explore what fascinates me because the process terrifies me. to have to take the time to talk to people, to ask questions, to fuck up first impressions, to fuck up second and third impressions, to make eye contact, to exchange these undeniable and static truths that we collect like wishes in wells. the only thing i know how to do is show pieces of myself to strangers and never once have i taken the time to acknowledge them outside of these premises. never once have i even entertained the idea of letting them see me outside of all of this. i’m just bad at this. i’m so bad at this. this is so hard. and damn it i want to, but all i do is think these thoughts and bleed the feelings dry until they gather at my calloused fingertips and i spread them on every notebook i find, on every moment i claim as mine, leaving this signature on every dotted line. i want to experience these things with you, i want you to share it all with me, i want to see you inside out but all of this has become some lost art and i can’t press my fingers into all the right pressure points. i’m just so afraid of finding ourselves embarrassed, empty handed and alone. all my life i have strategically chosen roads that would never leave me embarrassed empty handed and alone. and for the first time in my life i want to take a wrong fucking turn, i want to get lost somewhere in the middle of all these backwards roads. i’m not saying i think that this is right, that this is going to be good. i’m not saying that i just want the light, that all i want is fireworks and sleeping stars held by ghost hands in the sky every night. i’m not saying i want to be tough. i’m not saying that these things won’t ever be able to fuck me up. i’m not asking to always be strong. i just want to be brave. 

i forgot how to be brave.’

-j